.::.take my heart and please dont break it.::.

it's about time

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 22:15:08 GMT

Today I finally got my internet back. It's been like forever, not that it really matters though, ive been so busy I actually wouldnt have had time to be on here even if I wanted to. I've gone through so much in the past 2 weeks. I don't feel like myself much either. I've realized a lot (Definitely) There was this one person who I thought I could trust and I thought they wouldnt be like everyone else is towards me but that all turned to crap. I am being left again to look at yet another stupid mistake I have to learn from. I just want to know what happend to people being real?? with no secrets lies or any of that crap. I dont get the point in lying like that. The other person will always find out somehow and if you have something to say to someone be a freaking adult about it and tell them, dont go around leaving the person to think that everything is alright.

My dad got his leg amputated about 2 weeks ago. I don't really want to get into it though, mostly because I find it hard enough to talk about it let alone write it. It was kinda where I started to realize a lot about myself. I don't go out as much anymore, basically cause I dont have a want or need to go out and be with people who I cant just talk to and feel 100% comfortable with it. I have a lot going on and instead of going to the movies or spending time with people who truely dont care about me I stay home on friday and saturday nights. I just don't need the stress from people who want to act like they are 10.

I've decided to move on a lot with my life though. Kinda like starting it all over in a way.
*I'm done hating the single life.. today relationships between people around my age are filled with nothing real, just lies and bullcrap that I don't feel like dealing with. It seems like it is so hard for me to just find one person I can actually relate to. Have a decent conversation with, someone who is there for me when I need them most and someone who can make me feel 100% comfortable.

*School has a new meaning for me. I have focused myself, dropped the drama and BS along with the baggage that was with it and started looking at more colleges. I was originally only going to apply to 2 schools and if that didnt work just go to OCCC, but now I am applying to 7 schools and im not letting anything hold me back, im going wherever I want to go. The only thing I have left here is my father and I already worked that all out. The furthest college is about 2 1/2 hours away, so I wont be going that far if I go far at all.

*I decided not to get a job till after christmas. I am going to help my mom out around here and get things situated, hopefully get a car soon and wait for dad to come home. A job and money just arent that important right now and I need my time for other things

Basically I am just fed up with a lot right now, im sick and irritable and I dont want to deal with half that crap thats going on in my life but I am forced to. It seems so much is going wrong and so little is going right. I dont like it at all. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and actually want to get out of bed and actually want to eat. Its so nerve wrecking. I never want to go out with friends or do things I used to want to do and I find myself crying more than ever but never having a shoulder to cry on. Idk, I have nothing else to say now..

i thought this would be easy

Sun, 16 Oct 2005 22:13:46 GMT

Friday afternoon i got back from newport. It was so nice to get away from all the problems I was having here. I did some shopping, got to sleep in and ate at a few good places. I don't feel as stressed anymore and Im not so worried about certain things like i was before.

Saturday I went to Six Flags all day. Definitely only got like 2 hours of sleep before I went too. The place was packed though. Going on any rides after 2 was near impossible. I still had fun though. Some people .. well one person pissed me off but its no biggie. I was so tired though in the afternoon. I wanted to go take a nap and come back, lol.

I go back to school tomorrow. The only thing Im worried about is not being able to wake up at 5 am anymore. I gotta work really hard in calc and spanish cause those are the only classes I dont have a 90 or above in. I decided not to switch my schedule around cause it will just be easier to leave it the way it is. I can't let all the stupid shit get to me the way it does. All of it is just rediculous and I just wanna enjoy my senior year.

I absolutly hate this cold weather we are having. I want it to be summer again.

Cold weather + No cuddle buddy = very cold, lonely, upset Heather

haha

Now, I realized something the night I came home from Newport. I really don't think I want a boyfriend right now. I mean it would be great to have someone but I have way too many trust issues. I always think a guy is playing me and thats not good. Maybe when I get over that I will date someone but as of right now Im not extremely concerned about it. No guy I know seems to have the same views on relationships as I do. That or he has trouble making up his mind on what he really wants. Either way, I just gotta deal with it. I'd rather be single then be with someone I cant trust or someone who doesnt feel the same way I do. I just know when Christmas gets closer I am going to get all emotional again cause thats a holiday that it is really nice to have someone on.

Ok thats all for now, Ive been back for 2 days and Im still not unpacked. And.. Ive got tons of school work to catch up on.

gotta get away

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 14:13:40 GMT

I'm leaving tonight around 8pm for Newport. I can't wait. I want to be away from everything that has been going on around here. All the stress and assholes. I wont have any way to get online and i'll only have my cell. Therefore I will only talk to the people I want to talk to. Soooooooooo nice! Nothing but sitting by the ocean, lots of shopping and spending time on the yacht. *lucky me*

I'll be back on friday night sometime...

~*~*LATER*~*~

before i go insane

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 18:53:14 GMT

Confessions......

*I cry way too much at night
*I hate being alone more than anything at the moment
*I wish ex girlfriends didn't exist
*I'd rather give love advice then recieve it
*I have a lot of trouble trusting guys, I usually automatically assume all they want is ass or they are playing mind games
*When I am upset I don't eat and I sleep a lot
*I had love before but I screwed that up and lost it
*I'm afraid I will never find love again
*I hate the way my body looks
*If it wasn't for my friends, I would not go to school
*I want it to be June 23, 2006 already

***I want a guy who will love me for me, never make me cry and make me laugh like nobody else can. If I cried or if I was sick he would hold me closer than normal. I would be the most important girl in his life. There would be no lies or secrets and I would be able to confie in him. We would spend rainy days cuddling on my bed watching rented movies till we fell asleep. We'd go on vacation together and take lots of pictures together. He'd hold my hand in public. Holidays would always be spent together and he would let me spoil him sometimes. We'd talk everyday and have late night phone calls. I would never have to worry about him cheating on me because we would have a trust unlike any other. I wouldn't feel like I have to be all dressed up and make-up'd in order for him to think I am beautiful. When we chilled at home it would be in our pajamas and we would act silly. Eating pizza on the floor.. throwing popcorn at eachother. On the weekends we would go out sometimes and no one around us would matter because our love is that strong. I could watch football and baseball games with him and think it's the cutest thing when he gets mad cause his team is losing. I'd give him a kiss and try to make it better. When he looked me in the eyes I would see nothing but love... oh how I would LOVE to have all this.

The way it seems

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 20:40:11 GMT

I was going to write about my weekend because it was a lot of fun and a lot went on but that's really not what is on my mind right now. I actually don't know how to explain the way I am feeling at the moment. I'll be straight up honest though, the single life was fun for a while. I enjoyed not having anyone to worry about or fight with and I could just do what I pleased without having to check in with anyone. Lately though I realized I haven't had a real relationship in a long time and I miss that. I see couples around school and at the mall and it makes me want that even more. But in order for me not to be single anymore I need to meet a decent guy. One who can treat me right, not toy with me and actually wants a relationship too. That seems so hard to find.

I guess with the holidays coming up it makes it kinda hard cause I just want someone to spend it all with. Someone I can spoil with Christmas gifts now that I have money and cuddle with on really cold nights. I'm just really sick of getting my hopes up then hearing the line " I just wanna be single right now" ugh! Maybe I should want to be single .. it seems like the cool thing to do. I just cannot want that though. To me, how could you not want someone to love and love you in return. Someone to call when you need someone to talk to, someone to laugh with, go out with. Blah.... this is all just making me more upset so im gonna go take a nap

Definition of Love

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 00:34:47 GMT

The most spectacular,indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone.

Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you're in love, you always want to be together, and when you're not, you're thinking about being together because you need that person and without them your life is incomplete.

This love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions: completely loving someone. It's when you trust the other with your life and when you would do anything for each other. When you love someone you want nothing more than for them to be truly happy no matter what it takes because that's how much you care about them and because their needs come before your own. You hide nothing of yourself and can tell the other anything because you know they accept you just the way you are and vice versa.

It's when they're the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and when they're the first thing you think of when you wake up, the feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of serenity. Love involves wanting to show your affection and/or devotion to each other. It's the smile on your face you get when you're thinking about them and miss them.

Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be better in the end. Love is intense,and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more wonderful when you're in love. If you find it, don't let it go

some advice for the guys

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 05:30:38 GMT

Tell her you think she's cool.
Tell her why you think she's so cool.
Talk to her in movie theatres.
Pick her up and pretend you're going to throw her in the river;
she'll scream and fight you but secretly, she'll love it.
Hold her hand and skip?
Hold her hand and run.
Just hold her hand.
Pick flowers from other people's gardens and give them to her.
Tell her she's pretty.
Let her pay if she wants to.
Introduce her to your friends as the coolest girl you know.
Sit in the park and talk to her.
JUST TALK TO HER.
Take her to the library
TAKE HER ANYWHERE.
Tell her dirty jokes.
TELL HER HAPPY STORIES.
TELL HER SAD STORIES.
TELL HER YOUR STORIES.
TELL HER ANYTHING.
Tell her stupid jokes.
Write poems about her.
Just walk with her.
Throw pebbles at her window
When she starts swearing at you;
tell her you love her.
Take her to shows of bands she's never heard of.
Hold her hand in the mosh pit.
Let her fall asleep in your arms.
Call her.
Call her back if she calls you.
Sing to her, no matter how bad you are.
Carve your names into a tree
Get her mad, then kiss her..
Give her piggy-back rides.
Go see her team play even if they really suck;
and tell her they were great.
Give her space if she needs it.
Push her on swings.
Stay up with her all night when shes sick.
Make up pet names for her;
but cool ones, not sappy ones.
Teach her guitar.
Lend her your cds.
Write on her.
WRITE ABOUT HER.
Make her mixtapes.
Write her letters.
Take her to cool shops, and let her take you to even cooler ones.
Just hang out with her.
Listen to all the bands she mentions.
Don't tell her that her favorite bands suck.
When she's sad, hang out with her or stay on the phone with her, even if she's not saying anything.
Buy her ice cream.
Let her take all the photos of you when she wants.
Look into her eyes.
Slow dance with her, even if the music is fast.
TELL HER A SECRET.
Kiss her in the rain...
JUST KISS HER.
TRUST HER.
LOVE HER.
BE YOURSELF AROUND HER.
CHERISH HER. . .
and
when
you
fall
in love
with
her,
tell her...

bored.. so this is what i do

Sat, 01 Oct 2005 02:15:42 GMT

BASiCS
[ .. ] first name: heather
[ .. ] middle name: marie
[ .. ] gender: female
[ .. ] birthday: february 4th
[ .. ] height: 5'3"
[ .. ] hair color: i guess light brown kinda blondish
[ .. ] eye color: green
[ .. ] do you wear glasses or contacts: nope
[ .. ] do you have braces: nope
[ .. ] is your hair long or short: past my shoulders about 3 inches
[ .. ] where were you born: a hospital
[ .. ] current location: my house in the middle of no where
[ .. ] zodiac sign: aquarius
[ .. ] how many languages: english, some spanish, a little french and very little german
[ .. ] bad habit: my eating habits / cursing
[ .. ] piercings you have: 1 in each ear and belly button
[ .. ] piercings you want:? more in my ears
[ .. ] tattoos you have: none
[ .. ] tattoos you want: none
[ .. ] today's date: september 30th
[ .. ] the time: 8:45pm
[ .. ] are you still in school?: yes
[ .. ] did you drop out?: no
[ .. ] least favorite subjects: at the moment spanish
[ .. ] most humiliating moment: oh i have so many of those

fAV0RitES
[ .. ] number: 2.. 26
[ .. ] Shoes: all my heels
[ .. ] saying: "thats hott"
[ .. ] tv show?: the real world, laguna beach, gilmore girls, sex and the city
[ .. ] vegetable: broccolli cauliflower corn
[ .. ] fruit: cherries.. strawberries
[ .. ] candy: gummie bears...m&m's
[ .. ] gum?: orbit white
[ .. ] candy bar: snickers
[ .. ] ice cream flavor: mint chocolate chip
[ .. ] color: PINK
[ .. ] season: summer
[ .. ] holiday: valentines day
[ .. ] type of music: i like it all
[ .. ] thing in your room: my pictures
[ .. ] place to be: the beach
[ .. ] tv channels: mtv, usa, tbs
[ .. ] overall food: anything italian
[ .. ] stores: charlotte russe / wet seal / victoria's secret
[ .. ] fast food: wendy's / taco bell
[ .. ] restaurant: olive garden / fridays
[ .. ] shape: heart
[ .. ] time of day: after 9
[ .. ] mall: palisades
[ .. ] board game: monopoly
[ .. ] car: camaro
[ .. ] word: "love"
[ .. ] month: july&december
[ .. ] possession: pictures / great grandmas jewelery

PRiVAtE lifE
[ .. ] do you have a boyfriend: no
[ .. ] do you have a crush: i try not to crush. nothing good comes from it
[ .. ] do you love anyone right now: no
[ .. ] have you ever been in love: yes
[ .. ] how many hearts have you broken: one, possibly two
[ .. ] do you have a picture of your crush: ummm
[ .. ] do you have a picture of yourself: yes
[ .. ] do you go by looks or personality: personality is #1 but i dont care what anyone says..looks matter.

W0UlD Y0U EVER...
[ .. ] bungee jump: yes
[ .. ] sky dive: yes
[ .. ] swim with dolphins: yes
[ .. ] scuba dive: yes
[ .. ] go rock climbing: yes
[ .. ] turn your back on your friends for personal gain: no
[ .. ] steal a friend's boyfriend/girlfriend: no
[ .. ] cross-dress: yeah, guys clothes are soooo comfy
[ .. ] lie to the police: yes
[ .. ] run from the police: yeah
[ .. ] lie to your parents: not to my father, but my mom i would nothing bad though
[ .. ] walk up to a stranger and kiss them: ewwwww gross no
[ .. ] walk out of a restaurant without paying: depends, ive thought about it

HAVE Y0U EVER...
[ .. ] flashed someone: nope
[ .. ] told the person you liked how you felt: yes
[ .. ] been to Michigan: no
[ .. ] gotten really REALLY wasted: yeah
[ .. ] gone to jail or juvi: nope
[ .. ] skateboarded: no
[ .. ] skinny dipped: yes
[ .. ] stolen anything: nothing big just stupid crap
[ .. ] kicked someone's ass: no
[ .. ] pegged someone in the head with a snowball: yes
[ .. ] gone on vacation without adult supervision: yes
[ .. ] been to a concert: yes
[ .. ] been to another country: yes
[ .. ] talked back to an adult: yes
[ .. ] got pulled over: nope
[ .. ] got in a car accident: yeah, nothing real bad though
[ .. ] given money to a homeless person: not directly
[ .. ] cried to get out of trouble: yep
[ .. ] kissed a friend's brother or sister: yes
[ .. ] kissed a brother or sister's friend: no
[ .. ] dropped something on the floor that you were cooking and let someone eat it anyways: noo gross

WHAt DiD Y0U D0...
[ .. ] last birthday: spent time with Dan then ended up in the hospital
[ .. ] last weekend: hung out with rob / went bowling/ went to see Joe
[ .. ] last christmas: spent it with Brian and his family
[ .. ] last thanksgiving: i think with the family
[ .. ] halloween: went with Brian and took my little brother out
[ .. ] easter: i was in myrtle beach
[ .. ] valentine's day: spent it with Dan

tHE lASt...
[ .. ] time you cried: a little while ago
[ .. ] thing you ate: ham sandwich
[ .. ] thing you drank: milk
[ .. ] thing you wore: white jeans and a black sweater
[ .. ] place you went: school
[ .. ] thing you got pierced/tattooed: belly button
[ .. ] person you saw: my little brother
[ .. ] person you hugged: lauren
[ .. ] person you talked to: joe
[ .. ] song you heard; the way- clay aiken
[ .. ] what are you eating: nothing
[ .. ] what are you drinking: water
[ .. ] any shoes on: no
[ .. ] hair: down / wet
[ .. ] listening to: full house
[ .. ] talking to anyone: jason

YES 0R N0
[ .. ] are you a vegetarian: no
[ .. ] do you like cows: no
[ .. ] are you a bitch: sometimes
[ .. ] are you artistic: not really
[ .. ] do you write poetry: yeah
[ .. ] can you ski: no
[ .. ] are you british: no
[ .. ] are you straight: yes
[ .. ] are you short: yes
[ .. ] are you tall: no
[ .. ] are you a typical teenager: not even close
[ .. ] do you shop at hot topic: no, well just for belly button rings

WHO DO YOU WANNA...
[ .. ] kill: no one
[ .. ] slap: a lot of people
[ .. ] kiss: someone
[ .. ] date: idk

GiRL TALK...?
[ .. ] Do you think you're good looking? sometimes
[ .. ] Do other people often tell you that you're good-looking? occassionally
[ .. ] Do you struggle with self-estem? not really

DATiNG & ATTRACTiON
[ .. ] Should you ever give a relationship a second chance? yes
[ .. ] Have you ever fooled around with a coworker? no
[ .. ] Would you ever have a relationship with someone 10 or more years older than you? no
[ .. ] How long could you abstain from sex or masturbation?: a long time

fed up

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 02:13:08 GMT

This whole situation lately has gotten me so fed up with my life. Seriously all I ever want to do is go to school (make my day go by as fast as possible) then sleep and just be left alone while I am home. I wish it was June already. I want to get away from high school.. far far away. The drama is insane this year, already and it's only been 4 weeks, blah! 9 more months of this just seems so damn near impossible. Lauren and I leave in 10 days for newport though. I just hope i can go up there and get my mind off all the crap going on around here. I want to get away from all the problems with my family, the bull crap around school and the whole fact that after this long i am still hung up on being single. I don't know why I am not over that yet. Probably because I continue to read my old journal when I used to have a boyfriend WHO ACTUALLY cared and I am starting to miss that terribly. I need to stop reading that crap, it's no good for me. I just wish i could be one of those "single and loving it people".. not really too sure how you could love it. Maybe because then you dont worry so much but idk, i'd much rather have a boyfriend than be single. But I would only want a boyfriend if he can treat me right, ( and trust me guys I know exactly what right is) I understand nobody is perfect so my chances of getting that guy who is everything I've ever dreamed about well that can just remain in my dreams. Ha! It's not so horrible now but I know once the holidays come around it will really hit me, I mean as much as I hate to admit this now, if it wasnt for my ex last year during the whole holiday season i would have sat in my room for 2 months crying.

I just don't get why it is so hard for me to meet a decent guy again. Just someone who can understand me, treat me right and doesn't have more baggage than any guy really should. I'm sick of the games / lies / and drama. I'm fed up, really. It's wierd cause I always end up being the good friend but never the girlfriend. Not that being friends is a bad thing. I love most of my friends to death and i'd do pretty much anything for them. Really though I think if I had a car this would all be different. I could get a job and when I am home and I just feel like I cant be alone I can just drive to a friends house to get my mind off things. I guess my mom is going to try to talk to my grandparents while we are on vacation and see if they can all work something out. I just dont know anymore..

really in all honesty I am ready to just say fuck it. I give up! This whole mind game thing is very played out. I'd rather be single and not have anything with anyone then have to put up with some of the shit I have to deal with. It really just is not worth it all. It only causes more stress for me which I definitely do not need. Sorry that I dont want to handle the entire situation like a 10 year old. Im past that. I want a real freaking relationship. Not one where all those stupid idiotic problems exist one that is real. Where you kiss the person and you can tell at that moment that they care about you and not getting down your pants. UgH!

so this is what I must do...
~I need to stop reading my old journal because that definitely is not helping
~No more guys who have too much baggage
~I want to try this "single and lovin' it thing" idk who knows it might be fun
~make it through my senior year without getting my ass into trouble so I can go off to college and be happy.

-there is much more but i dont feel like listing it now, maybe tomorrow

stupid bitches

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 02:23:25 GMT

10 REALLY RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME
+ i love to kiss in the rain
+ the only easy way for me to fall asleep is if I am cuddling
+ whenever I have money I have to buy cute underwear
+ i don't eat all that much
+ green tea is my favorite drink
+ i have blonde moments very often but they tend to be quite adorable
+ I am a hopeless romantic and no matter how many assholes I meet I will never give up on love
+ i like to watch movies A LOT
+ my best friend Lauren is my hero
+ my father comes first over everything and anything

9 WAYS TO WIN MY HEART
+ trust me
+ make me laugh like no one else can
+ surprise me with little things
+ like kissing / cuddling / and hugging as much as i do
+ don't let your ex get in the way
+ don't lie, just be straight up honest
+ leave me sweet messages/ voice mails or text messages
+ don't act wierd in front of your friends
+ don't make me guess on how you feel about me

8 THINGS I CARRY/WEAR EVERYDAY
+ a necklace
+ lip gloss
+ pink & white watch
+ underwear // bra
+ good smelling perfume
+ something on my feet.. flip flops/ stillettos / socks / boots
+ belly button ring
+ lotion so i have soft skin :-)

7 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME
+ hs drama
+ players
+ disorganization
+ people who think they are better than everyone else
+ blocked phone calls
+ ex girlfriends
+ liars

6 PLACES I'VE VISITED OR INTEND TO
+ newport RI ~visited
+ north carolina ~visited
+ florida ~ visited
+ california ~ intend to
+ all over europe ~ intend to
+ carribean ~ intend to

5 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
+ find my one true love
+ get married
+ travel across europe
+ give back to my parents
+ resolve a problem i have with a certain someone

4 THINGS I'M AFRAID OF
+ losing my father
+ never finding someone to love me (truely)
+ the dark
+ dieing

3 THINGS I DO EVERYDAY
+ shower
+ talk to Lauren & my father
+ go online

2 THINGS I'M TRYING NOT TO DO NOW
+ get all upset over my dads situation
+ get pissed off cause of this stupid situation

1 PERSON I WANT TO SEE NOW
+ my father

tell me what my problem is

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 01:37:36 GMT

This is basically my situation...

1+ i meet a guy and fall to fast, when this happens I of course end up hurt (because I get a typical male line then later find out he was just looking for ass) *better luck next time BOYS*

2+ i meet a guy, things are going pretty well then his ex girlfriend ruins that all for me

3+ i meet a guy who seems to be "everything I could ask for" but he then finds someone else after fooling me into thinking there might be a chance for me

4+ (this is my favorite of all) i meet a guy.. everything appears to be going very well. He shows just as much interest as I do. He can make me smile, laugh.. when i cry he is there for me. We spend time together whenever possible and there is always time for a late night phone call.. so to the bad part, I would really love to pursue things with this guy but situations 1-3 have all made it so hard for me to trust guys. I've been hurt so many times and I know chances are more than likely that this guy will end up fitting into catergory 1,2, or 3.

I know i shouldn't assume that but it's just become the way I think. I find it way too hard to think positive when it comes to guys. All i want is to expierience what I once had just better. I've never been single this long and my past relationships lasted a long time and if it wasn't for immaturity they probably would have lasted longer.

i think it's time..

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 03:00:33 GMT

Lately everything has been so off for me. Everything seems to be changing a lot and it is like I have no control over that. School is definitely a lot different for me, besides the fact that my day is a lot shorter. Just my classes in general are so different. I'm not complaining though, this is definitely a good thing. Last week I started the whole college application process. I decided to only apply to four schools, they are all pretty much close to where I am now but I wont be staying home no matter where I go. That is kinda why I dont want to go to a community college. I want get out of my house and be off on my own. Lauren and I had the most interesting converstation last night. We were talking about how amazing it is on how much we have changed since our freshmen year. I swear if some of the things that happend to me in the past 3 years happend now, the outcome would be so incredibly different. For instance, (this came up in the car last night) I dated this one guy, we had a very decent relationship, even though the outcome I still can't complain about the relationship .. Anyway, if this guy and I started our relationship now instead of when we did I am almost completely postive it would work out so much better. Just because I can see how much I have matured since then. So anyway I just think it's all begining to hit me how different things are now compared to then.

Tomorrow my father goes in for his surgery. They have to do this to see how much of his foot they have to take. He is so scared. I can't stand it. I absolutly dread seeing him like this. I call him every day but once I get off the phone with him I cry until someone gets home. I can't handle all this. I need him to be better already. It seems as if all these doctors are doing is prcrastonating Big Time. Grr!! What makes it all really tough though is I have no one to be there all the time for me. That does sound pretty selfish but I just think if I had a boyfriend then I wouldn't have to bother Lauren with all my problems. I feel so bad about doing that to her because she has her own life. I feel like a bother. i hate all this soo much

cause i need a real love in my life

Sun, 18 Sep 2005 19:16:18 GMT

yeah today is pretty bad, for a lot of reasons really but I just don't feel like myself. I have no want to do anything I just wanna lay in bed and sleep this day away. I know that isnt possible though, which definitely sucks. I ran for about 45 minutes earlier but that didnt do much for me. My dad isn't getting any better and I can't stand that. How long does it take freaking doctors to figure out the problem and make it right already!?! All they do is drug him up on pain killers so he sleeps all the time, I want to be able to talk to him. When I was at the hospital the other day he was in so much pain but he told the nurse he didnt want to take anything cause i was there and he didnt want to fall asleep. My dad has gone through way too much this year and he doesn't deserve this, he needs to be better and get everything settled. He can't live in pain like this it isnt fair to him.
Besides that i really need to get a car. Like my grandparents havent sent the money to me yet and they just dont see the importance of me having something to drive. I need to get a job, i want to join a gym because school started back up and I feel horrible about my body again.(of course) I hate it too, I will lose like 2 pounds then look at the scale and say to myself I need to lose 5 more. If I had something to drive when I get upset I can just go somewhere and I wouldnt have to stay cooped up in this house all day or rely on friends to bring me places. *sucks majorly*. I try so hard to be happy I really do, but I just have so much going on it's too hard to focus on myself. School isnt that bad, my day goes by pretty fast but I feel like i've been going non stop while I am there. Everything should slow down soon though. Im going camping on the 7th then going to newport with Lauren from the 9th to the 14th. The 15th i am going to six flags for fright night. I'm just finding it really hard to be excited about those things with everything else going on in my life. I just wish I had someone to talk to. I know I have Lauren but she has enough going on her self and I dont wanna sit there and make her feel like she has to listen to me. See this is the time where having a boyfriend would come in handy! Ha!! That is a whole different story. It really is the last thing I want to worry about but for some reason it is always the first thing on my mind. It sucks being a hopeless romantic cause then you can't help crap like that. GRRRR!!
I just want it to be october already, cause then I think I will be having too much fun to worry about all the stupid crap and stupid people who are no good for me and just straight out pricks! Most of all though I just want my dad to be better. If he was finally really ok then everything would be so much better for me. I just hope these doctors can finally figure out a solution to all this and get him on the right path. They already told him that it will take 6-8 months for him to totally recover from the surgery that they are going to do but the surgery will make him feel tons better. The problem is they cant operate with the cronic phenmonia still in him. So right now I guess all they can do is wait.

blah................. *tear*

tell me why you do this

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 00:16:07 GMT

I have so much on my mind right now but I won't vent about that here. Mostly because no matter how deep into detail I go, no one will completely understand. It's a me thing and thats basically it. People are assholes and the really good assholes are the best at hiding it.

Anyway, besides that I'm sick. It sucks cause I havent been sick in a while but now I have like this awful cold thingy. *blah*

I gotta keep my head up though and be happy. I dont want anything or anyone bringing me down. I've been having a good time lately too. Confusing as all hell but still a lot of fun! haha (this is random) but I've been renting movies from Hollywood Video and I think this is funny... on the plastic on the VHS tapes it says Squeeze & Shake come on now that has to be the best directions ever! haha yeah i know im easily amused. let's see what else is good in my life?? In 26 days i leave for vacation with Lauren.. I might be going on a road trip to vermont in november...

lalala ... thats all for now im going to lay down ~later

Face it..

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 21:21:16 GMT

Everyone is going to get screwed over by at least one person in their life time, more than likely more than one person will screw them over but that really isn't my point. I myself have gotten screwed over by many people and honestly I have become used to it. Yes it pisses me of for an hour or two but after that I am fine.

Now I want to clear something up for a few friends of mine..
-Yes I am still single
-No I am not upset that my ex is getting married on Sunday I actually couldn't be happier for him
-No I do not want your help in finding me a boyfriend, nor do I need you to console me.. I have heard a million times that I need to "open my eyes" .. "hang in there".. blah blah blah. I don't want love advice. I know EXACTLY why i am single. I am pretty sure I am capable enough to find someone on my own. Yes I know it has been a while but I would rather wait as long as I have to then end up with some typical asshole. I've had a relationship before, long ones to that were pretty good while they lasted. I refuse to start dating someone though just so I can say I have someone. Honestly what is the point of having someone when they don't make you happy or even keep a decent friendship with me. Yeah I know I post tons of things about how much I would love to have a boyfriend but I want a good one thats the thing. Not just someone who will leave me in 2 months.

Right now really isn't the time for me anyway, I have a lot going on and i can only focus on so much.

Back to school..

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 23:09:00 GMT

Tuesday was my last first day of high school. Things are so much different this year, which I guess is expected since it is my senior year. Well anyway, it is really nice not having my first class till 8:24 and getting to leave at 1:38. My classes aren't that bad either. My least favorite would probably be pre calc, but thats probably because everyone I know of complains about the teacher, and its my first class in the morning. Oh well not liking one out of seven classes isn't bad. I mean english could suck but its my last class so whatever. It goes by fast and my teacher doesn't seem like a prick so I won't complain.

I got my dad's cat last night, she is so adorable. It was so hard to see my dad though. He looks so sick, and weak. I just want him to get better fast and I want this to all go away.

wouldn't this be nice

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 02:36:30 GMT

Ok so I know I posted one of these things in my blog on myspace but I thought I would do a new and improved one. One that really has all of the important things on it.. (yes im that bored right now)

My ideal man.. and some other things.

*we would lay together, and he would give me little kisses on my cheek and forehead

*he would give me big bear hugs and make me feel safe (but he wouldn't have to fight my battles for me)

*him and i wouldnt be able to stay mad at eachother

*we would hold hands when we go out and when we are on line at the movies

*someone who can be silly with me

*he would make me laugh like no one else could

*he wouldnt be afraid to playfight with me

*He would let me jump into his arms and kiss me

*We could lay outside under the stars together

*We would do things together, like watch baseball games and I would get this little smirk and give him tiny kisses cause he's mad his team is losing

*we would bet kisses on who could beat who at a play station game

*Someone who will let me sleep on his chest

*Before we left eachother we would give eachother a bunch of hugs and kisses and say bye at least 5 times before he actually leaves

*Late at night we would take pointless trips to walmart and the diner

*He would get along with my friends and family

*Someone who doesn't mind staying in sometimes, just to cuddle and watch a movie

*We would spend rainy days together

*When it snows, we would throw snowballs at eachother then dog pile and kiss eachother

*He would never miss an anniversary or birthday (unless he has a VERY good reason)

*We'd take lots of pictures together

*When Im sleeping or at school he would leave sweet text messages or voicemails to brighten up my day

*He'd think im just as beautiful without make-up on

*Someone who holds me close in front of his friends

*I want someone to hold me closer than normal when I am sick.

*He would go with me on my trips to the mall and watch me try on clothes

*We would tell eachother our secrets and he would always be there to listen to me

*Surprise me with little things

*He would throw stuffed animals at me when I acted dumb and then dog pile on me and kiss me a million times

*He would be sensitive but not too sensitive

*Someone who would watch the sunset with me and be romantic sometimes

*We would kiss in the pouring rain

*Someone to wipe away my tears and hold me when I am sad

*He would love me for me, trust me, be honest and see all I have to offer

*He would never!! 1. hit me, 2. yell at me while I am sick or hurt, 3. try and control my life, 4. make me feel bad about myself (This has all happend before to me and I won't tolerate it)

*Someone who will care about me more than anyone else, call sometimes just to say hi and that he misses me

*A guy who can prove to me that all men arent the same

I can’t help but be scared of it all sometimes

Sun, 04 Sep 2005 19:00:02 GMT

Yesterday absolutly sucked, like majorly. I am just pissed I can't stand the way some people treat me, it's bull! Grrrr!!! I even went shopping for like 3 hours and then went out with some friends, i had a good time but I was still very annoyed. I really hate it too cause it is my own fault that I get pissed like this. I set myself up for it. Just like I said in a past entry, I know whats good for me and whats not and for some sumb reason I always do whats completely wrong for me. I just dont wanna deal with inconsiderate people with everything else I have going on. My dad really isnt doing well. Him and I have to pack all of his things, he is moving, and I am going to take his cat for him. He is going to have this big surgery soon and the doctors said he will be in the hospital for a while after that. Then it will take a few months for him to fully recover. I hate seeing my dad like this. The way he gets all upset cause he cant buy me things. He is so foolish sometimes. Like he made a big deal cause he couldnt buy me crap for school. Really thats not a big deal to me.. what notebooks are like a $1. He worries way too much about me, but in return I worry way too much about him. I just want my dad to be alright again.

Anyway, besides my absolutly horrible saturday,(well it was all horrible, just my mood.. i did have some really good moments) friday was pretty good. I had a lot of fun. I went to see the 40 year old virgin again, i think i laughed more the second time. I think it was just because I went out and unlike usual I wasnt thinking about all the BS in my life. I had a good time and I wasnt sitting there being all upset inside.

well thats enough for now

wake up and realize

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 16:50:53 GMT

I have been having the wierdest dreams lately. I mean its a good thing that I am actually sleeping all night again, of course it takes like an hour to actually fall asleep but when I am sleeping I have these dreams that make me feel like such an idiot when I wake up. So anyway I have these dreams and they make me look like I am making an ass out of myself. But they make me realize that I am chasing things that I will never be able to have. It's kinda like my mind knows whats going on and I am kinda trying to ignore it because it isnt what I want to hear, even though what my mind is telling me is what is best for me, and if I listened to it I would end up happy, but u know me, miss.difficult! I have never been the one to take the easy way out I am always going for the challenge but usually I end up with nothing in the end. I need to come to realize that what I want isn't necessarily good for me. Instead of going for what I want i need to go for what I need. Well after this weekend I will get every straightend out. I'll stop being an idiot and come to realize that I am an idiot sometimes, i need to stop chasing things that are no good for me and open my eyes. Like someone told me once "just remember that one thing you have been looking for that whole time could acually have been right in front of you that whole time. all you had to do is open your eyes and realize"

thats what im going to do, im opening my eyes instead of pretending

back, relaxed, and ready to move on!

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 16:43:34 GMT

After 2 flights, a total of 9 hours in airports, losing to bags, I am finally HOME! It was so nice to sleep in my bed last night. I feel so much better now. I went away from all the problems I was having at home and now I've got a better handle on everything. It's like I woke up this morning and realized its time for a big *turn around*. I went to the school, got my report card which I will send tomorrow to my grandparents and by the end of the month I should have my car. This is what they tell me. I fixed my schedule it goes...

1.Late Arrival 8:19
2.Pre Calc
3.Spanish 4
4. A-PE, B-Studyhall
5.JROTC
6.Business Law
7.Econ/Gov
8.English
9.Early Leave 1:38

not to bad, im happy with it! Anyway, I started a new diet, haha, a real one that Im really happy with. I wanna feel better about my body, and myself. I am getting S-3 this school year so that will take up a lot of my time, which is great, i love to be very busy. This way I can get my mind off love, relationships and all that jazz and just let it take its own path. Right now I will just go back to being the one everyone calls when they are drunk. lol.

Well ive got a lot to do around the house, unpacking and then some cleaning. Ill update soon!

baby im coming home, lol

Mon, 29 Aug 2005 16:35:19 GMT

I am leaving North Carolina today and finally going home. It was great but 15 days was more than plenty! lol. I cant wait to sleep in my bed again and see the people I miss oh so much! I've got lots to do when I get back too. Although I feel like I will make the biggest ass out of myself when I do get back its ok, Im me I bounce back quick, haha.. till then!

Well school starts a week from tomorrow, anyone wanna chill or anything let me know. Well Ill be back on tomorrow.

typical

Fri, 26 Aug 2005 01:49:17 GMT

Today was *blah* i dont feel well. Headache that hurts like hell and I dont feel like eating anything. I barely slept last night. Really I spent more time staring at the cieling than sleeping. Oh well. We went to pick up my mom today then we went to the beach. I got some pictures if u wanna see them let me know, ill let u see. Only like 6 cause I went off on my own for a while when I was out today. Just didnt want to be botherd. I walked like a mile on the beach and just sat. It was so nice out.

Tomorrow we are going to myrtle beach for the day. Going to spend some time at broadway on the beach. Should eb a good time if I feel better. Only 4 more days down here and Ill be home.

thats all for now, i think i need to go take a big Advil and lay down.. night night

you always want what you cant have

Tue, 23 Aug 2005 21:43:52 GMT

Ok so today didnt go as bad as I thought it would. The weather cleared up for about 4 hours so i went and layed by the pool till it started to down pour on me. Tomorrow I will be stuck in the house, actually I am dog siting for a friend of my grandparents. Ha! I guess Ill make a few bucks, might as well. I got something I want to buy here anyway so this way I can get the money for it.

For all those people who continue to ask me.. i will be home august 29th (thats a monday)and my plane lands at 10:25pm.

In a way I kinda cant wait to get home. There are certain things I want to do and work on. Now that Ive cleared my head of certain things I think it will be a lot easier for me to be happy when I get home. My problem is I find something and I want it. I have no patience. When I dont get what I want I beat myself up about it because I think in some way I have failed and thats why I am stuck without it. I've gotta work on that. My dad is doing much better also which makes things that much better, my brother is out of the house, and I have gotten past that "scum stage" as Jessica and I call it. ha!

well thats all for now, ill wait and see what happens. Soon I know I will have a reason to smile. Ill be very happy and content with my life and all my worrying will be long gone. Just gotta get back on track and stop letting the little things get to me. Ive got some great people in my life who are already making it that much better for me *smiles*

north carolina baby!

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 15:31:07 GMT

I'm going to the beach.. yep yep yep... im going to the beach! hahahahaha! Oh i love it..

missing some people like WHOA! but others well they can go fall in a hole! OooOOooOOooo

Me=No more worrying about stupid boys .. Im gonna find me a MAN! LOL!!!!

10 days left and im livin it up! Oooooooh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

living it up

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 21:41:40 GMT

Today is day 3 in north carolina. Not too bad except the weather is hot and humid, feels like 105 for the past two days. But Ive already gone to the beach and hung out by the pool. Im going to visit UNCW on thursday, and i think im spending all day friday at the beach. Oh i hate being lazy.. but in a way its nice. I have yet to cook. But my grandparents are really good at that so I will just enjoy for now.

Ive been doing pretty good though, not as stressed as I was back at home. Still dont sleep much though. Im up all night here. I cant get this one thing off my mind and its driving me crazy. Oh i hate the way I can be sometimes. Pretty foolish if you ask me because I know there is no point in this all. I have no chance at getting what I truely want, that i hope, i will soon come to deal with.

Just makes it hard cause I am the only one who knows what I am talking about. Ha! silly me. ok ill stop babbling. No sense. ahh...

thats all for now.. gonna go eat some dinner then maybe some pool time or a run? who knows... later everyone!

.:*:.take my heart and please dont break it.:*:.