Today I finally got my internet back. It's been like forever, not that it really matters though, ive been so busy I actually wouldnt have had time to be on here even if I wanted to. I've gone through so much in the past 2 weeks. I don't feel like myself much either. I've realized a lot (Definitely) There was this one person who I thought I could trust and I thought they wouldnt be like everyone else is towards me but that all turned to crap. I am being left again to look at yet another stupid mistake I have to learn from. I just want to know what happend to people being real?? with no secrets lies or any of that crap. I dont get the point in lying like that. The other person will always find out somehow and if you have something to say to someone be a freaking adult about it and tell them, dont go around leaving the person to think that everything is alright.

My dad got his leg amputated about 2 weeks ago. I don't really want to get into it though, mostly because I find it hard enough to talk about it let alone write it. It was kinda where I started to realize a lot about myself. I don't go out as much anymore, basically cause I dont have a want or need to go out and be with people who I cant just talk to and feel 100% comfortable with it. I have a lot going on and instead of going to the movies or spending time with people who truely dont care about me I stay home on friday and saturday nights. I just don't need the stress from people who want to act like they are 10.

I've decided to move on a lot with my life though. Kinda like starting it all over in a way.
*I'm done hating the single life.. today relationships between people around my age are filled with nothing real, just lies and bullcrap that I don't feel like dealing with. It seems like it is so hard for me to just find one person I can actually relate to. Have a decent conversation with, someone who is there for me when I need them most and someone who can make me feel 100% comfortable.

*School has a new meaning for me. I have focused myself, dropped the drama and BS along with the baggage that was with it and started looking at more colleges. I was originally only going to apply to 2 schools and if that didnt work just go to OCCC, but now I am applying to 7 schools and im not letting anything hold me back, im going wherever I want to go. The only thing I have left here is my father and I already worked that all out. The furthest college is about 2 1/2 hours away, so I wont be going that far if I go far at all.

*I decided not to get a job till after christmas. I am going to help my mom out around here and get things situated, hopefully get a car soon and wait for dad to come home. A job and money just arent that important right now and I need my time for other things

Basically I am just fed up with a lot right now, im sick and irritable and I dont want to deal with half that crap thats going on in my life but I am forced to. It seems so much is going wrong and so little is going right. I dont like it at all. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and actually want to get out of bed and actually want to eat. Its so nerve wrecking. I never want to go out with friends or do things I used to want to do and I find myself crying more than ever but never having a shoulder to cry on. Idk, I have nothing else to say now..

Friday afternoon i got back from newport. It was so nice to get away from all the problems I was having here. I did some shopping, got to sleep in and ate at a few good places. I don't feel as stressed anymore and Im not so worried about certain things like i was before.

Saturday I went to Six Flags all day. Definitely only got like 2 hours of sleep before I went too. The place was packed though. Going on any rides after 2 was near impossible. I still had fun though. Some people .. well one person pissed me off but its no biggie. I was so tired though in the afternoon. I wanted to go take a nap and come back, lol.

I go back to school tomorrow. The only thing Im worried about is not being able to wake up at 5 am anymore. I gotta work really hard in calc and spanish cause those are the only classes I dont have a 90 or above in. I decided not to switch my schedule around cause it will just be easier to leave it the way it is. I can't let all the stupid shit get to me the way it does. All of it is just rediculous and I just wanna enjoy my senior year.

I absolutly hate this cold weather we are having. I want it to be summer again.

Cold weather + No cuddle buddy = very cold, lonely, upset Heather

haha

Now, I realized something the night I came home from Newport. I really don't think I want a boyfriend right now. I mean it would be great to have someone but I have way too many trust issues. I always think a guy is playing me and thats not good. Maybe when I get over that I will date someone but as of right now Im not extremely concerned about it. No guy I know seems to have the same views on relationships as I do. That or he has trouble making up his mind on what he really wants. Either way, I just gotta deal with it. I'd rather be single then be with someone I cant trust or someone who doesnt feel the same way I do. I just know when Christmas gets closer I am going to get all emotional again cause thats a holiday that it is really nice to have someone on.

Ok thats all for now, Ive been back for 2 days and Im still not unpacked. And.. Ive got tons of school work to catch up on.

I'm leaving tonight around 8pm for Newport. I can't wait. I want to be away from everything that has been going on around here. All the stress and assholes. I wont have any way to get online and i'll only have my cell. Therefore I will only talk to the people I want to talk to. Soooooooooo nice! Nothing but sitting by the ocean, lots of shopping and spending time on the yacht. *lucky me*

I'll be back on friday night sometime...


~*~*LATER*~*~

Confessions......

*I cry way too much at night
*I hate being alone more than anything at the moment
*I wish ex girlfriends didn't exist
*I'd rather give love advice then recieve it
*I have a lot of trouble trusting guys, I usually automatically assume all they want is ass or they are playing mind games
*When I am upset I don't eat and I sleep a lot
*I had love before but I screwed that up and lost it
*I'm afraid I will never find love again
*I hate the way my body looks
*If it wasn't for my friends, I would not go to school
*I want it to be June 23, 2006 already

***I want a guy who will love me for me, never make me cry and make me laugh like nobody else can. If I cried or if I was sick he would hold me closer than normal. I would be the most important girl in his life. There would be no lies or secrets and I would be able to confie in him. We would spend rainy days cuddling on my bed watching rented movies till we fell asleep. We'd go on vacation together and take lots of pictures together. He'd hold my hand in public. Holidays would always be spent together and he would let me spoil him sometimes. We'd talk everyday and have late night phone calls. I would never have to worry about him cheating on me because we would have a trust unlike any other. I wouldn't feel like I have to be all dressed up and make-up'd in order for him to think I am beautiful. When we chilled at home it would be in our pajamas and we would act silly. Eating pizza on the floor.. throwing popcorn at eachother. On the weekends we would go out sometimes and no one around us would matter because our love is that strong. I could watch football and baseball games with him and think it's the cutest thing when he gets mad cause his team is losing. I'd give him a kiss and try to make it better. When he looked me in the eyes I would see nothing but love... oh how I would LOVE to have all this.

I was going to write about my weekend because it was a lot of fun and a lot went on but that's really not what is on my mind right now. I actually don't know how to explain the way I am feeling at the moment. I'll be straight up honest though, the single life was fun for a while. I enjoyed not having anyone to worry about or fight with and I could just do what I pleased without having to check in with anyone. Lately though I realized I haven't had a real relationship in a long time and I miss that. I see couples around school and at the mall and it makes me want that even more. But in order for me not to be single anymore I need to meet a decent guy. One who can treat me right, not toy with me and actually wants a relationship too. That seems so hard to find.

I guess with the holidays coming up it makes it kinda hard cause I just want someone to spend it all with. Someone I can spoil with Christmas gifts now that I have money and cuddle with on really cold nights. I'm just really sick of getting my hopes up then hearing the line " I just wanna be single right now" ugh! Maybe I should want to be single .. it seems like the cool thing to do. I just cannot want that though. To me, how could you not want someone to love and love you in return. Someone to call when you need someone to talk to, someone to laugh with, go out with. Blah.... this is all just making me more upset so im gonna go take a nap

The most spectacular,indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone.

Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you're in love, you always want to be together, and when you're not, you're thinking about being together because you need that person and without them your life is incomplete.

This love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions: completely loving someone. It's when you trust the other with your life and when you would do anything for each other. When you love someone you want nothing more than for them to be truly happy no matter what it takes because that's how much you care about them and because their needs come before your own. You hide nothing of yourself and can tell the other anything because you know they accept you just the way you are and vice versa.

It's when they're the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and when they're the first thing you think of when you wake up, the feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of serenity. Love involves wanting to show your affection and/or devotion to each other. It's the smile on your face you get when you're thinking about them and miss them.

Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be better in the end. Love is intense,and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more wonderful when you're in love. If you find it, don't let it go

Tell her you think she's cool.
Tell her why you think she's so cool.
Talk to her in movie theatres.
Pick her up and pretend you're going to throw her in the river;
she'll scream and fight you but secretly, she'll love it.
Hold her hand and skip?
Hold her hand and run.
Just hold her hand.
Pick flowers from other people's gardens and give them to her.
Tell her she's pretty.
Let her pay if she wants to.
Introduce her to your friends as the coolest girl you know.
Sit in the park and talk to her.
JUST TALK TO HER.
Take her to the library
TAKE HER ANYWHERE.
Tell her dirty jokes.
TELL HER HAPPY STORIES.
TELL HER SAD STORIES.
TELL HER YOUR STORIES.
TELL HER ANYTHING.
Tell her stupid jokes.
Write poems about her.
Just walk with her.
Throw pebbles at her window
When she starts swearing at you;
tell her you love her.
Take her to shows of bands she's never heard of.
Hold her hand in the mosh pit.
Let her fall asleep in your arms.
Call her.
Call her back if she calls you.
Sing to her, no matter how bad you are.
Carve your names into a tree
Get her mad, then kiss her..
Give her piggy-back rides.
Go see her team play even if they really suck;
and tell her they were great.
Give her space if she needs it.
Push her on swings.
Stay up with her all night when shes sick.
Make up pet names for her;
but cool ones, not sappy ones.
Teach her guitar.
Lend her your cds.
Write on her.
WRITE ABOUT HER.
Make her mixtapes.
Write her letters.
Take her to cool shops, and let her take you to even cooler ones.
Just hang out with her.
Listen to all the bands she mentions.
Don't tell her that her favorite bands suck.
When she's sad, hang out with her or stay on the phone with her, even if she's not saying anything.
Buy her ice cream.
Let her take all the photos of you when she wants.
Look into her eyes.
Slow dance with her, even if the music is fast.
TELL HER A SECRET.
Kiss her in the rain...
JUST KISS HER.
TRUST HER.
LOVE HER.
BE YOURSELF AROUND HER.
CHERISH HER. . .
and
when
you
fall
in love
with
her,
tell her...

BASiCS
[ .. ] first name: heather
[ .. ] middle name: marie
[ .. ] gender: female
[ .. ] birthday: february 4th
[ .. ] height: 5'3"
[ .. ] hair color: i guess light brown kinda blondish
[ .. ] eye color: green
[ .. ] do you wear glasses or contacts: nope
[ .. ] do you have braces: nope
[ .. ] is your hair long or short: past my shoulders about 3 inches
[ .. ] where were you born: a hospital
[ .. ] current location: my house in the middle of no where
[ .. ] zodiac sign: aquarius
[ .. ] how many languages: english, some spanish, a little french and very little german
[ .. ] bad habit: my eating habits / cursing
[ .. ] piercings you have: 1 in each ear and belly button
[ .. ] piercings you want:? more in my ears
[ .. ] tattoos you have: none
[ .. ] tattoos you want: none
[ .. ] today's date: september 30th
[ .. ] the time: 8:45pm
[ .. ] are you still in school?: yes
[ .. ] did you drop out?: no
[ .. ] least favorite subjects: at the moment spanish
[ .. ] most humiliating moment: oh i have so many of those

fAV0RitES
[ .. ] number: 2.. 26
[ .. ] Shoes: all my heels
[ .. ] saying: "thats hott"
[ .. ] tv show?: the real world, laguna beach, gilmore girls, sex and the city
[ .. ] vegetable: broccolli cauliflower corn
[ .. ] fruit: cherries.. strawberries
[ .. ] candy: gummie bears...m&m's
[ .. ] gum?: orbit white
[ .. ] candy bar: snickers
[ .. ] ice cream flavor: mint chocolate chip
[ .. ] color: PINK
[ .. ] season: summer
[ .. ] holiday: valentines day
[ .. ] type of music: i like it all
[ .. ] thing in your room: my pictures
[ .. ] place to be: the beach
[ .. ] tv channels: mtv, usa, tbs
[ .. ] overall food: anything italian
[ .. ] stores: charlotte russe / wet seal / victoria's secret
[ .. ] fast food: wendy's / taco bell
[ .. ] restaurant: olive garden / fridays
[ .. ] shape: heart
[ .. ] time of day: after 9
[ .. ] mall: palisades
[ .. ] board game: monopoly
[ .. ] car: camaro
[ .. ] word: "love"
[ .. ] month: july&december
[ .. ] possession: pictures / great grandmas jewelery


PRiVAtE lifE
[ .. ] do you have a boyfriend: no
[ .. ] do you have a crush: i try not to crush. nothing good comes from it
[ .. ] do you love anyone right now: no
[ .. ] have you ever been in love: yes
[ .. ] how many hearts have you broken: one, possibly two
[ .. ] do you have a picture of your crush: ummm
[ .. ] do you have a picture of yourself: yes
[ .. ] do you go by looks or personality: personality is #1 but i dont care what anyone says..looks matter.


W0UlD Y0U EVER...
[ .. ] bungee jump: yes
[ .. ] sky dive: yes
[ .. ] swim with dolphins: yes
[ .. ] scuba dive: yes
[ .. ] go rock climbing: yes
[ .. ] turn your back on your friends for personal gain: no
[ .. ] steal a friend's boyfriend/girlfriend: no
[ .. ] cross-dress: yeah, guys clothes are soooo comfy
[ .. ] lie to the police: yes
[ .. ] run from the police: yeah
[ .. ] lie to your parents: not to my father, but my mom i would nothing bad though
[ .. ] walk up to a stranger and kiss them: ewwwww gross no
[ .. ] walk out of a restaurant without paying: depends, ive thought about it

HAVE Y0U EVER...
[ .. ] flashed someone: nope
[ .. ] told the person you liked how you felt: yes
[ .. ] been to Michigan: no
[ .. ] gotten really REALLY wasted: yeah
[ .. ] gone to jail or juvi: nope
[ .. ] skateboarded: no
[ .. ] skinny dipped: yes
[ .. ] stolen anything: nothing big just stupid crap
[ .. ] kicked someone's ass: no
[ .. ] pegged someone in the head with a snowball: yes
[ .. ] gone on vacation without adult supervision: yes
[ .. ] been to a concert: yes
[ .. ] been to another country: yes
[ .. ] talked back to an adult: yes
[ .. ] got pulled over: nope
[ .. ] got in a car accident: yeah, nothing real bad though
[ .. ] given money to a homeless person: not directly
[ .. ] cried to get out of trouble: yep
[ .. ] kissed a friend's brother or sister: yes
[ .. ] kissed a brother or sister's friend: no
[ .. ] dropped something on the floor that you were cooking and let someone eat it anyways: noo gross

WHAt DiD Y0U D0...
[ .. ] last birthday: spent time with Dan then ended up in the hospital
[ .. ] last weekend: hung out with rob / went bowling/ went to see Joe
[ .. ] last christmas: spent it with Brian and his family
[ .. ] last thanksgiving: i think with the family
[ .. ] halloween: went with Brian and took my little brother out
[ .. ] easter: i was in myrtle beach
[ .. ] valentine's day: spent it with Dan

tHE lASt...
[ .. ] time you cried: a little while ago
[ .. ] thing you ate: ham sandwich
[ .. ] thing you drank: milk
[ .. ] thing you wore: white jeans and a black sweater
[ .. ] place you went: school
[ .. ] thing you got pierced/tattooed: belly button
[ .. ] person you saw: my little brother
[ .. ] person you hugged: lauren
[ .. ] person you talked to: joe
[ .. ] song you heard; the way- clay aiken
[ .. ] what are you eating: nothing
[ .. ] what are you drinking: water
[ .. ] any shoes on: no
[ .. ] hair: down / wet
[ .. ] listening to: full house
[ .. ] talking to anyone: jason


YES 0R N0
[ .. ] are you a vegetarian: no
[ .. ] do you like cows: no
[ .. ] are you a bitch: sometimes
[ .. ] are you artistic: not really
[ .. ] do you write poetry: yeah
[ .. ] can you ski: no
[ .. ] are you british: no
[ .. ] are you straight: yes
[ .. ] are you short: yes
[ .. ] are you tall: no
[ .. ] are you a typical teenager: not even close
[ .. ] do you shop at hot topic: no, well just for belly button rings

WHO DO YOU WANNA...
[ .. ] kill: no one
[ .. ] slap: a lot of people
[ .. ] kiss: someone
[ .. ] date: idk

GiRL TALK...?
[ .. ] Do you think you're good looking? sometimes
[ .. ] Do other people often tell you that you're good-looking? occassionally
[ .. ] Do you struggle with self-estem? not really

DATiNG & ATTRACTiON
[ .. ] Should you ever give a relationship a second chance? yes
[ .. ] Have you ever fooled around with a coworker? no
[ .. ] Would you ever have a relationship with someone 10 or more years older than you? no
[ .. ] How long could you abstain from sex or masturbation?: a long time

This whole situation lately has gotten me so fed up with my life. Seriously all I ever want to do is go to school (make my day go by as fast as possible) then sleep and just be left alone while I am home. I wish it was June already. I want to get away from high school.. far far away. The drama is insane this year, already and it's only been 4 weeks, blah! 9 more months of this just seems so damn near impossible. Lauren and I leave in 10 days for newport though. I just hope i can go up there and get my mind off all the crap going on around here. I want to get away from all the problems with my family, the bull crap around school and the whole fact that after this long i am still hung up on being single. I don't know why I am not over that yet. Probably because I continue to read my old journal when I used to have a boyfriend WHO ACTUALLY cared and I am starting to miss that terribly. I need to stop reading that crap, it's no good for me. I just wish i could be one of those "single and loving it people".. not really too sure how you could love it. Maybe because then you dont worry so much but idk, i'd much rather have a boyfriend than be single. But I would only want a boyfriend if he can treat me right, ( and trust me guys I know exactly what right is) I understand nobody is perfect so my chances of getting that guy who is everything I've ever dreamed about well that can just remain in my dreams. Ha! It's not so horrible now but I know once the holidays come around it will really hit me, I mean as much as I hate to admit this now, if it wasnt for my ex last year during the whole holiday season i would have sat in my room for 2 months crying.

I just don't get why it is so hard for me to meet a decent guy again. Just someone who can understand me, treat me right and doesn't have more baggage than any guy really should. I'm sick of the games / lies / and drama. I'm fed up, really. It's wierd cause I always end up being the good friend but never the girlfriend. Not that being friends is a bad thing. I love most of my friends to death and i'd do pretty much anything for them. Really though I think if I had a car this would all be different. I could get a job and when I am home and I just feel like I cant be alone I can just drive to a friends house to get my mind off things. I guess my mom is going to try to talk to my grandparents while we are on vacation and see if they can all work something out. I just dont know anymore..

really in all honesty I am ready to just say fuck it. I give up! This whole mind game thing is very played out. I'd rather be single and not have anything with anyone then have to put up with some of the shit I have to deal with. It really just is not worth it all. It only causes more stress for me which I definitely do not need. Sorry that I dont want to handle the entire situation like a 10 year old. Im past that. I want a real freaking relationship. Not one where all those stupid idiotic problems exist one that is real. Where you kiss the person and you can tell at that moment that they care about you and not getting down your pants. UgH!

so this is what I must do...
~I need to stop reading my old journal because that definitely is not helping
~No more guys who have too much baggage
~I want to try this "single and lovin' it thing" idk who knows it might be fun
~make it through my senior year without getting my ass into trouble so I can go off to college and be happy.

-there is much more but i dont feel like listing it now, maybe tomorrow

10 REALLY RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME
+ i love to kiss in the rain
+ the only easy way for me to fall asleep is if I am cuddling
+ whenever I have money I have to buy cute underwear
+ i don't eat all that much
+ green tea is my favorite drink
+ i have blonde moments very often but they tend to be quite adorable
+ I am a hopeless romantic and no matter how many assholes I meet I will never give up on love
+ i like to watch movies A LOT
+ my best friend Lauren is my hero
+ my father comes first over everything and anything

9 WAYS TO WIN MY HEART
+ trust me
+ make me laugh like no one else can
+ surprise me with little things
+ like kissing / cuddling / and hugging as much as i do
+ don't let your ex get in the way
+ don't lie, just be straight up honest
+ leave me sweet messages/ voice mails or text messages
+ don't act wierd in front of your friends
+ don't make me guess on how you feel about me

8 THINGS I CARRY/WEAR EVERYDAY
+ a necklace
+ lip gloss
+ pink & white watch
+ underwear // bra
+ good smelling perfume
+ something on my feet.. flip flops/ stillettos / socks / boots
+ belly button ring
+ lotion so i have soft skin :-)

7 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME
+ hs drama
+ players
+ disorganization
+ people who think they are better than everyone else
+ blocked phone calls
+ ex girlfriends
+ liars

6 PLACES I'VE VISITED OR INTEND TO
+ newport RI ~visited
+ north carolina ~visited
+ florida ~ visited
+ california ~ intend to
+ all over europe ~ intend to
+ carribean ~ intend to

5 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
+ find my one true love
+ get married
+ travel across europe
+ give back to my parents
+ resolve a problem i have with a certain someone

4 THINGS I'M AFRAID OF
+ losing my father
+ never finding someone to love me (truely)
+ the dark
+ dieing

3 THINGS I DO EVERYDAY
+ shower
+ talk to Lauren & my father
+ go online

2 THINGS I'M TRYING NOT TO DO NOW
+ get all upset over my dads situation
+ get pissed off cause of this stupid situation

1 PERSON I WANT TO SEE NOW
+ my father